Riyadh Comedy Festival: Making the jokes the real comedians can’t

This is the final day of the Riyadh Comedy Festival so we thought we’d publish some jokes audiences probably won’t have heard during the last fortnight.

Index staff have used AI to imagine some gags from artificial facsimiles of stand-ups Bill Burr, Jimmy Carr, Jack Whitehall and Louis C.K. 

We felt compelled to do this because we support those in Saudi Arabia whose voices are so often silenced and those who are currently in prison. Last week we published an article by Ghanem al-Masarir about how he was persecuted as a Saudi comedian, and we remember journalist Jamal Khashoggi who was murdered by the regime in the Saudi embassy in Turkey seven years ago on 2 October – a grim reminder of the stance the Saudi government takes against their critics.

For extra context, this is part of a leaked contract for performers at the festival and was a condition of them performing:

“ARTIST shall not prepare or perform any material that may be considered to degrade, defame, or bring into public disrepute, contempt, scandal, embarrassment, or ridicule A) The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, including its leadership, public figures, culture, or people; B) The Saudi royal family, legal system, or government, and; C) Any religion, religious tradition, religious figure, or religious practice.”

Google Gemini in the style of Bill Burr

“The whole thing with this Saudi oil money… everybody’s going, ‘How could you? How could you take that blood money?’ And I’m just looking at them like, ‘Have you seen the offer? That’s not money, that’s a yacht dealership. That’s a ‘Hey Bill, we’re giving you enough cash to never have to stand next to a TSA agent again.’ Suddenly, all that moral outrage I was preaching about two years ago? Yeah, that’s gone. It’s in a tiny little oil drum somewhere in the desert. I went from ‘Speak truth to power!’ to ‘Does this robe come with a gold chain?’ in like, nine seconds.”

Anthropic’s Claude in the style of Jimmy Carr

“The Saudi royal family spent 100 billion dollars on a futuristic city in the desert called NEOM. 100 billion! On a city that doesn’t exist yet!

You know what would be MORE futuristic? Women’s rights.

[pause for laughs]

Cost a lot less, too.

[short laugh]

They’ve got plans for flying cars, robot servants, artificial moons… but apparently equal rights for half the population? ‘Woah, woah, woah… let’s not get science fiction about this!’

[smirks]

And they claim it’s going to be this eco-friendly utopia powered entirely by renewable energy. Which is ironic, because the only thing they’ve been good at renewable is OPPRESSION.

[staccato laugh]

The Saudi government says journalists are always welcome to come visit and report on their progress. Just… maybe don’t write anything negative. Or critical. Or true.

You know, JOURNALISM.

[pause]

Because the last guy who did that? Let’s just say… he’s in pieces about it.

[waits for groan/laugh]

Too dark? Oh, I’m sorry—I didn’t realise we were suddenly worried about what’s inappropriate!”

Google Gemini in the style of Jack Whitehall

Right, so my agent, – you’d hate him, he wears a gilet indoors – he rings me up. “Jack, darling! Got a massive gig for you. Corporate do. The fee is… well, let’s just say you could buy a controlling stake in Waitrose.”

I’m in. Obviously. I’m thinking, lovely jubbly, probably some tech bros in a horribly trendy warehouse in Shoreditch.

He goes, “It’s in Riyadh.”

Ah. Right.

He says, “Don’t worry! They’re super keen. They’ve just sent over a small list of topics to avoid in your set.”

He starts reading it out. “Okay so… no politics, no religion, no mentions of the royal family, no observational stuff about men and women… and absolutely no sarcasm.”

And I’m just sitting there, thinking… my God. That’s my entire personality gone. What am I supposed to do for twenty minutes? Just list my favourite types of hummus?

But then he read the last rule: “And finally, absolutely no crowd work.”

And honestly? That’s where I drew the line. I mean, you can take away my freedom of expression, you can censor my political satire… but you will not take away my God-given right to bully a man in the front row for wearing terrible shoes. Some principles are just non-negotiable.

OpenAI’s ChatGPT in the style of Louis C.K.

“So the Saudi government…

You ever look at a country and think, ‘Wow… that place is like if God gave a toddler infinite money and zero supervision’?

It’s just oil, gold, and beheadings. Like… literal beheadings. Not metaphorical. Like, actual… ‘Whoops, I tweeted!’ — CHOP.

And people still say, ‘Well, they’re making progress!’

Yeah? So is cancer.”

[Crowd groans — Louis leans in, smirking]

“No, really — they let women drive now!

As long as they don’t drive… their own thoughts.”

[Beat — he shrugs, mock-defensive]

“I know. I shouldn’t talk. I come from America — the land of freedom, where we bomb the same countries we lecture about human rights.

It’s like yelling at your kid for smoking while you’re doing heroin in the garage. ‘Don’t do that, it’s bad for you!’”

[He pauses, then sighs]

“But I still fly through Riyadh sometimes. Why?

‘Cause I’m a piece of shit.

And they’ve got phenomenal airport lounges.

Like, terrifying government… but you can get a foot massage and a lamb biryani while pretending they don’t jail poets.”